the ups and downs of hazel days…
Hazel is growing so fast…it is hard to believe she is almost 7 months old already.
{5 months adjusted for being premature}
Life is full of her laughter, sweet smiles, soft spoken ramblings…
{and high pitched screams when she is testing out her voice}
She can hold her head up on her own now, enjoys books and grasping toys.
She is infatuated with the iPad {and TV, unfortunately, if she can find it within her sight}.
She loves her hands. and just recently discovered her feet.
She sleeps through the night now {for the most part}, but has started the dreaded stage of teething.
She takes regular naps and is up to play a lot more during the day. We have so much fun together.
After coming through pretty severe postpartum depression, things are looking better for me.
I get up and enjoy my days now. and her. Which is so different from how things were a few months back.
The world was a dark fog that I thought I would never get out of.
I wanted to hide. and run away. never to be found.
I dreaded my baby's cries. I dreaded her. I didn't talk to her or sing to her or laugh with her. I wept over her.
I survived with her. and spent the rest of the time sleeping, hiding in the dark, wishing I could have "my old life back."
I also lived with tremendous guilt because I heard so many times "you must be so grateful she is home"
and "enjoy every minute. it goes by so fast". and I hated hearing those words.
because I couldn't be grateful or joyful.
and some days I longed to just bring her back to the hospital and say,
"hey, who thought I was responsible enough and capable enough to care for this person?
because I am not! trust me!"
Thankfully, my ever faithful husband helped me to see through the fog and reach out for help.
It took awhile, because I was believing the lie that it was "just me". That I was, obviously, "not meant to be a mother".
I looked at her and wept daily. telling her that I knew she deserved better.
Telling my husband that I knew they would both be better off without me.
I really believed that during those dark days.
I finally reached out for help from my nurse mid-wife and began treatment.
I feel peace about my decisions because things are so much brighter these days.
Although, I will admit I still yearn to run away every now and then.
But, thankfully, now I know I can get through whatever is headed my way so I don't have to.
I am responsible. and capable. So capable.
I do so wish more moms would not be afraid to talk about how hard it is.
and that every day isn't peaches n' cream, and sunshine and rainbows and laughter.
some days just plain old suck.
{sorry for my crassness}
And if you are the kind of mom who never has those days…my hat is off to you.
but I am also done feeling guilty that I am not.
I have full confidence now that I am the best mom for my little girl and
that she will grow up blessed for having me.
and I am thankful to God for bringing her into my life and bringing life back into mine after she came.
Till next time…
{if any of you reading this are struggling with PPD…this website helped me a lot:
I highly encourage you to reach out for help. I have learned I am not weak for suffering with this illness,
but strong for surviving it and coming out the other side}
39 Comments
Rebecca
Sending love and hugs
Monica
((((((BIG HUGS)))))).
You’ll be a wonderful Mother! You already are 🙂
I was thinking of you today…
Monica xox
My Shabby Bungalow
Hi Alice,
I have been a reader of your blog and a fan of your work for a long time. This is my first time commenting. I had to comment on this post. Hazel is just beautiful and I absolutely LOVE her name! I am the mother of 6. Five little boys and this last March, I finally had the little girl I had always dreamed of. With my second oldest baby, I had sever postpartum depression/borderline psychoses. I had my son 9.5 months after my first child. He was born two months prematurely. It was an awful time, which should have been such a wonderful time in my life was the darkest, hardest time of my life. I felt so much guilt and did not bond with my son. I had no idea what was wrong with me. This was eleven years ago. I still think about it and I still feel so awful. My son has suffered through it as well. I am so sorry you have had to go through this and so thankful that you are getting better. I too hated hearing “you must be so happy he is home” and “cherish this time, it goes by so fast!” I wanted to just scream NO and I CANT!! But I kept it al hidden inside and never told anyone because I was so ashamed of myself for the way I felt. I finally got some help and some medication. Which I am not ashamed of taking. My child is so much more important than the pride of not having to take medication. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I know that so many more women go through this than we know of. Thankfully I did not have this with any of my other children. But the feeling and the sadness will always be with me because I lost so much precious time with my baby. You deserve your precious bundle of joy so much and just knowing you by your blog, you are a beautiful person and yes, Hazel will be better for having you as her mommy 🙂 I am also so happy for you to have such a wonderful husband to help you through. No one should have to go through that alone!!
Big hugs to you from someone that understands! xoxo
Amy
Tracy G.
Alice,
Your story is so touching. Life is an amazing journey.Through thick and thin we somehow get though it.Your journey is just beginning with little Hazel {love her name by the way!}
I’m so happy for you and your husband. Wishing you all the best!
Tracy G.
mary
alice – if you ever want someone to talk to about this – please email me at any time, and we’ll connect. i have profound empathy – i experienced this twice – and it is beyond words. i have 2 sons; 10 and 13. i look back at those times/years and feel ill just remembering. but the good news is – you WILL return to normal – and the normal will be better than ever because you love your precious baby so much. that is never in doubt. email me if you ever need. i’m a Family Medicine healthcare provider and have lots of professional experience with this, as well as personal…
thanks for being honest and real. i have had a niggling concern since you’ve been away so long – it’s good to know you are getting better:)
mary
Leah C
Oh Alice, I am so sorry you’ve had such dark days…and yet, so glad that you have come through “the fog”. I battled a bit with “postpartum blues” after my first daughter was born; but, my experience was nothing as severe as you describe. What should be beautiful blessed days, aren’t always, and some women don’t/can’t realize that. Thank goodness you did. You ARE strong. You ARE capable. And you’re right, you are the best mom for Hazel. Wishing you well & sending big hugs your way:)
P.S. Hazel is ADORABLE!! Sweet photos:)
Kerryanne English
Firstly, Hazel is so beautiful and I’ve enjoyed seeing her grow on Facebook. Thank you for sharing her photos with us.
I think most mums reading your post today will relate Alice. I don’t believe there is such a thing as the perfect baby… there are always ups and downs… all through life actually. My girls are now 14 and 17 and still they give me sleepless nights occasionally. If it was indeed possible to take them back to the hospital I’m afraid mine would have been taken back many times – lol
I’m so happy that you are coming through the fog and able to enjoy this beautiful gift.
Hugs ~ Kerryanne
natalea
I can completely relate to this post, as that is EXACTLY how I felt after I had my daughter. If someone hasn’t gone through this they have no idea how dark life feels, so it is very courageous of you to post this with honesty! Those of us who have gone through this know how you feel and commend you for getting help, giving up that guilt and doing your best! May this journey get even brighter as the days go on. And if you still have hard times don’t beat yourself up…know that so many of us were and are in that same place and you’re not alone. xo
sadie
perfectly put. And I, and probably the majority of mums out there know EXACTLY how you feel. It is such hard work, and such a shock, and of course, you have barely any time to get over the birth, that personally I think it’s inevitable that women end up with post natal depression. I know I certainly did, and the sound of that cry all day and all night meant I ended up in tears many, many times. It can be such a lonely time, when you’re home all day with a baby.
I found it so frustrating in the very eraly days when my baby would cry, and people would say ‘is she hungry? tired? does she need this, that, blah blah blah’. I wanted to scream ‘how am I meant to know? I’ve only just met her!’
I stopped talking to other mums in health centres. Seems to be so competitive. I breastfed for the first year, so my litle girl woke up during the night for feeds. When I said this to one mum (my daughter was about 4 or 5 months at the time), she looked horrified and said ‘still?’ as if it was the most shocking thing she’d heard (really? aren’t babies all different then?!) then went on to say how her baby had been sleeping through the night since day one. Not only did I find it highly unlikely, but it made up my mind to not bother sharing anything any more. It’s almost as if some mums feel the need to try and make other mums feel bad or rubbish. Such a shame. We all know what it’s like, so it would be much better if we actually gave support instead of tut tutting and raising eyebrows. I think that was turning point for me. I knew I was a good mum and doing my best, and who was this know-it-all stranger to make out I wasn’t?
And it does take a bit of time. Suddenly, the fog lifts and something’clicks’ and you realise that not only can you do it, but you can be a fantastic mum. Then it’s like falling in love, and you really do start to enjoy your child. That’s how I felt anyway.
Just reading this post, I know you are well on your way to enjoying your baby. It takes time, but we get there in the end.
look after you.
x
Veronika
Hi Alice!
First: I cant speak english…really just a littlebit! I’m sorry, when it is not perfect! 🙂 I’m a hungarian woman. I have one child: a boy. His name is Aron. He is 8 years old, and he is beautifull!
My pregnant was perfect, but than…I felt awful after delivery, were very difficult months. Today I can not understand why everyone says how wonderful? It was terrible! Today, all wonderful and I am grateful to God that I become a mother! But look at me strangely when I tell the truth about this period.
Hazel is a beautiful little baby!She is so kind, a little princess!
The good Lord knows when to be a mother and what we have children!
Hold on!
We must rise to the challenge and this is a long way …
Hugs from Hungary!
Julie Marie
Hello dear Alice and sweet baby Hazel… I am so sorry you have been going through so much… I think of you so often… and have missed you so!… but you are such a strong lady and so wise beyond your young years… I am glad you sought help and have now found peace of mind… you are I am sure the best mama in the world, and are so blessed to have Josh always at your side… when we hit rock bottom, the only way is up and I believe you have found your way out of the darkness… please email me anytime… I love hearing from you… and yes, please give Renoir a big kiss from me too!… love to you and your little family my friend, xoxo Julie Marie
Allison
Congratulations on sharing. The Lord chose YOU to be Hazel’s mom and He has full confidence in His choice 🙂 So happy you have come this far and are doing better now and not feeling guilty. Sending hugs your way…
Allison
OH – and I’m SO excited to see a blog update from you… it’s been awhile! 🙂
Amy
Oh Alice, I could have written this post. I had PPD so very badly with my now 10-year-old daughter. I felt all the feelings that you describe. I am so grateful that you are well, and know your brave words will encourage others.
Amy
June
Incredible Alice!!! I wish more mom’s knew that it is a real. All medical professionals should educate them on PPD as part of their prenatal care. One of my daughter’s had severe PPD and I didn’t know how to help her at the time because I had never experienced it. She was even experiencing the psychosis that comes with a severe case. Luckily she got help early and now my sweet grandson is a six year old and my daughter is a delighted mother of him and two adopted brothers (she was afraid of having another child of her own because she said she could never go through the dark again)
Your post will be a saving grace for so many!
Hazel is so cute!!!
sending hugs,
June
Carole
I won’t pretend I know what you went thru but I admire you so much for being honest. That’s what I’ve always loved about you. Little Hazel is such a lucky girl.
Big hugs to you,
Carole
Sharon
Some women seem to breeze right through those early months but for most of us the days are long, exhausting, and emotional. Especially after not getting a good nights sleep in months! I’m so glad Hazel is sleeping through the night. That helps immensely! I remember after having my second daughter, who is now 15, I would have days where I could barely function. I called the doctors office and told them what was going on and they never even called me back! Thankfully things are different now and women have more support. Spring will be coming soon, the days are getting longer too, so that will be a boost to your energy. Wishing you all the best, Alice. Hazels pictures are adorable! I love those booties!
Janine
I’m so proud of you Alice, you are so much better as a mother than I ever was for you, I think I had PPD myself but never was treated for it, I think most women have it and may not even realize there is help out there. I’m so glad you posted this and put up a website where more women can find it, who knows you just may have helped someone who is now where you once were! You’ve both come a long way, and I love you both and Josh (my SIL) he is surely the ROCK for your family!!!
Love you,
Mom
Mandi
Alice thanks for being so honest about it– I wish everyone was honest about this. I suffered from severe anxiety depression after my first baby, and it was a very dark time in my life. I’m so glad to be past it, and I’m glad that you are feeling better. Thank you for sharing your true feelings! I wish all moms could be this honest. There are great times, and there are difficult times.
HUGS
Mandi
bleudelavande
Ooohhh Alice she is just perfect!!!!!!
You are an amazing mother!!!!!
Nice week to you.
Claudia
I’m so glad you sought help for PPD and that you have come out on the other side feeling confident and able to love and care for Hazel with the joy you deserve. Bravo for speaking out on this. I’ve never had children, but I know that PPD is far more common than many people think and that it can be treated.
Bless you, Alice and your husband and your beautiful little Hazel.
xo
Claudia
theresa
Hazel is just beautiful and so are you for telling your story… I am so glad that you are feeling better and that you have such a loving support system in your husband! t.xoxoox
Counting Your Blessings
Dear Sweet Alice, You are always an inspiration. No matter the topic. I have spent many days in the last year depressed and feeling unworthy. Not because I had a baby but yes, because of one of my babies. He’s come out of it on the other side and is doing well but I have questioned why God ever gave me children and what should I do to not mess up the other three. It is indeed a lie. Satan comes to lie, kill and destroy. How easily I forgot that. But thank God for a husband that saw clearly and held my hand, guiding me out of the dark fog!
Praising God with you for His light. Blessings… Polly
Sheila R
Alice,
My heart just aches for you. I am so glad that you have gotten through the darkest days. As a mom, I know that it isn’t all peaches and cream, that there have been dark days with doubt and regret. But those moments when they bring a smile to your face, a pride that wells up inside you and when you see a glimpse of a better you in their face it is all worth it. You are capable, you are strong and through the help of God and your sweet family, you will weather any storm.
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You’ll be a wonderful Mother! You already are!
Leanne
Alice, I knew something was going on, but didn’t know you well enough to ask. Perhaps I should have — although would you have shared it with a stranger? Anyway, I’m so glad you didn’t go through this alone and have survived it. Your Hazel is adorable 🙂
CeCe
Alice,
This will be a brief message…. I am ever so GRATEFUL to you for posting a REAL life post!
Dianne in the Hudson Valley
Alice, I love your blog and wondered and worried why you hadn’t posted. You are NOT alone! I suffered from PPD with all 4 of my children (and my 4th is adopted when I turned 40!). It is a chemical/hormonal change that happens too quickly (the third time for me after my daughter stopped nursing at 9 months) that can be treated. Oh, how I wish I could tell all new mothers out there that it is their bodies, not them. You have done women and men a great service by posting. Thank you for being so honest. Dianne in the Hudson Valley
Rachel
I just happened across your blog through interest- what a beautiful baby you have! And goodness, good for you for being so honest. I went through rough time after having my son, who is now 16 months old. Felt man of the same things you did. Women need to speak up and know they aren’t alone, so thank you for being a voice. So many feel like they have to have the attitude of ‘it’s like Christmas every morning!” and reality for 99% is, it isn’t! Luckily within about 6 weeks my hormones started leveling out, but it was rough. I felt bad for my hubby and my son. I thought I would just naturally fall in love with being a momma, but it took a little bit of time and adjusting. God is so good, and showed me so much through that time, and now I try to use it to help others who may feel the same way. SO glad you are feeling better! What a sweet family 🙂 Much love, Rachel
Chloe
This was a beautiful post! You are an amazing mother! I am so happy that you are in a much better place, and that you are now having lots of fun! You are so strong to share your story, I am amazed by you! The pictures of your little one are just so gorgeous as well!
Christine Dallimore
Oh Alice, I am so sorry to hear you are fighting through those dark days of postpartum. I experienced that with my second pregnancy and it was very. very. hard. I’m happy to see you are taking it one day at a time though and crossing through the tunnel to the other side. Take it step by step and remember to take some time out for you. You can’t run on an empty vessel. I’m sure you are receiving all sorts of “advice” though so I’m going to stop there! :o) Oh how I have missed your blog! I haven’t been able to visit it because I lost a baby (again) this time (a girl) at 19 weeks last March. Seeing Hazel reminds me of how old my little girl would have been..and as a result I have to blink back the tears. I only share this because if it’s anything I have learned, it’s that Heavenly Father knows which of His precious children need to come here to Earth to gain earthly experiences….and who to send them too so they can make the most of that experience! He knew that the beginning would be tough but you have oh so many beautiful things to show and teach her. Through your love and passion of all things lovely, nature and beyond, she is going to mirror your sweet and tender heart. She was meant for you…and only you to be her Mother. There are no mistakes in His plan after all! It will get better…much, much better! I’m so grateful you are sharing your experience. I can only imagine how many others you will be helping as well. I am always inspired by you….and am cheering for you!!! Sending HUGE HUGS your way….
Chatelaine
So sorry this has been such a painful journey. I am glad you got help and you have joy back in your life.
Your baby is beautiful. Love all your photos of her.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your story. I often wondered how you and the baby were doing.
danielle muller
sweet alice…such an amazing hearfelt post! thank you for sharing your story. i had my first son when i was 20 years old and experienced some of the same things you describe here. so thankful for my sweet husband and my precious Lord for guiding me through those dark days even when i didn’t feel anything but despair. i know the Lord is with you and He will continue to heal your heart and bring brighter days ahead. you are going to have so much fun with hazel…she is precious just like you! much love & prayers to you! xoxo
Andrea Baumhardt
I can relate to your struggles with depression… this burden has been placed on several family members of mine and I can see what happens to people. And, being the mom to two preemies myself, I know how much harder it compounds the situation and must make the hole even deeper to crawl out of. Stay strong and keep praying. I hope your anxiety leaves you forever and you are able to fully enjoy your motherhood. take are…
ana {bluebirdkisses}
I never went through PPD but I did go through a few weeks of the baby blues, where I cried more than I can even count and felt completely hopeless and guilty too, like you said. I was lucky and mine faded, but I have friends who went through the same thing as you, and didn’t talk about it for months.
I think you’re amazing and a great mom for speaking up, for sharing and for asking for help, because its not easy to do.
Brandywine Designs
You are so so brave. So many know just how you feel. I think we all still want to “run away” sometimes. Mine is 12yrs and I have found myself wanting to do just that ALOT lately.Being a mom can brake your heart and fill it full all at the same time. You and your baby girl are just gorgeous.
susan
oh Alice, i’m sorry i haven’t been by in awhile. i’m glad your are doing better. you sweet baby is just beautiful. i have had the baby blues and it can be tough. my second was pretty tough he didn’t sleep for many months and it made life quite exhausting. sending you love and prayers, susan
Liz@Violet Posy
Massive Hugs and love to you. I remember those dark days and I feel for you, it feels sometimes there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t be hard on yourself and take it one day or even hour at a time. Reach out and ask for help, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Much love and healing wishes to you xxx PS your little girl is beautiful xx
Brendon Spaziani
Oh, these shots are BEAUTIFUL, Alice. There’s nothing like that feeling when we see our kids grow before our very eyes -and documenting the experience through photos makes that feeling even more remarkable. Hazel will get over the teething stage before you know it.