the darkest days
Sunday marked 30 weeks for me in this pregnancy. To the average pregnant woman this probably wouldn't mean much other than that she has about 10 week left. But for me…it means a lot more.
It marks a frightening time in my life…when the unexpected could (and did) happen. My pregnancy with Hazel was pretty near perfect I thought. I ate healthy, did pregnancy yoga, read lots of books and articles, even hired a doula to make sure that I was as prepared as could be come delivery day.
But all of that didn't matter.
At 30 weeks and four days, I began to have contractions with back pain. I knew that wasn't right. (I had read all about premature labor and preemies…I like to be over prepared sometimes.)
And at 31 weeks and 2 days…after many failed attempts by the doctors to stall my labor, she was born.
So, here I am again…with our son this time. And a bit of nervousness has set in. The questions are mounting daily…
Will this be the same situation? Maybe my body just can't handle a full term pregnancy? Why did my body call it quits so early last time? Was it something I did or didn't do?
But I know…there is no answer. No explanation. And I have heard it said many times, "All pregnancies are different." So there is no way to tell what will happen.
The biggest question that looms in my mind though has nothing really to do with whether or not my pregnancy will go full term. It has to do with what will happen once it's over…
Will I have to face the maniacal beast of post partum depression again.
And this is the scariest thought of all.
I always imagined when I had a baby that every day would be like Christmas. I would have moments of pure "bliss" just realizing that the little bundle was here. But since having Hazel, there really weren't too many "Christmasy" moments. Christmas didn't even feel like Christmas in fact.
The truth is, bringing our baby home from the hospital marked the start of the darkest period in my life. I have battled depression in the past, but never had a newborn to care for on top of it. Life as I knew it was flipped upside down and then some.
I won't go into all of the details about how bad it was or all of the complications we faced because she was a preemie. But suffice it to say…it was bad. And the worst part about PPD are the lies you believe while in the throes of it. Like…
It's all your fault.
You just weren't meant to be a mother.
If you were a stronger person you could handle this.
You will never have a fulfilling life again.
You are a failure.
Your husband and your baby would be better off if you were gone….
they don't need you anyway…
you make everything worse.
Yes, it is hard to admit, especially so publicly, but those are the thoughts I had. Every single day.
It took a long while for me to even realize that it wasn't "just me" or "how it is when you have a baby." That the illness had overtaken me. I knew somewhere deep inside that it wasn't really me…I just thought that the old me was gone forever. And had been replaced with a hopeless, dead soul.
After a couple of months of severe darkness and longing for escape any way possible, I started to realize there had to be something better. That life didn't have to be like this. I began reading a book called Living Beyond Post Partum Depression by Jerusha Clark, and a tiny light flickered on for me. I could completely relate to what she wrote. I finally felt that I wasn't alone. (That is the other huge lie from PPD…that you are all alone and no one has ever or will ever be able to understand what you are going through. And worse…anyone that you do tell, will surely think you are a terrible person who doesn't even deserve to have a child. Maybe your child should even be taken away from you. Sadly, I believed all that too.)
It was my husband who finally encouraged me to seek help. Reluctantly, I scheduled an appointment with my nurse-midwife to tell her what I had been experiencing. I was so afraid. What would she think of me? How can I explain to her that this isn't who I really am? As I sat in her office, I wept as I told her the thoughts I had. That most days I didn't even want to have a baby. That I just wanted "my old life back." She looked at me calmly even with some tears in her own eyes, and reminded me that every day I live I don't get to have my old life back.
She helped me get treatment that day…and surprisingly, within a very short period of time, the sun started to come out again. One day I went out with my mother to lunch and some local antique stores. As we were out, all of a sudden I realized what I was doing. Living. I had kept myself cooped up in the house for months…thinking I had to stay there…like a prison. I was finally getting free.
And after a few more weeks, I found myself really living. I played and laughed and sang with my daughter. All normal things…but things I really hadn't done much of. I stopped dreading her and started longing for her. Essentially…I became a mother…the kind of mother I had always wanted to be.
So as the delivery of this new baby approaches, I would give anything not to go back there. I would give anything to bring him home and simply enjoy life as I am now. I know it will be hard. Newborns are hard. That's just a fact. Plus I will have a very active and curious toddler to chase around. And I know they will both need me.
Will I have enough to give? Or will I buckle under the pressure?
Only time will tell how things will turn out. But I know my focus right now needs to be the task at hand. Taking care of myself for the the little man inside. And loving and caring for my baby girl, who desperately needs me every day of her life.
The sweet, silly girl, who's smile always makes my heart lift…no matter how down I get.
And if she ever reads this one day, I hope that she knows…no matter what…that she has been the brightest light my life has ever known.
To my sweet Hazel…the world is more beautiful with you in it for even one second…than all of the years I knew before you came.
And I know it is only going to get brighter when baby number two comes along. I should probably invest in some really good sunglasses now 🙂
Of course there will be very hard days, and I might even get PPD again, but this time I will try to be ready…my husband is ready…and we will fight it with everything we have in us. I will seek help sooner…so I don't have to waste any more precious days to those lies.
I will fill myself with the truth. The words God has given me…to remind me that I am his child, fearfully and wonderfully made. And remind myself daily of this great calling he has placed on my life. To be a loving mother to two of his precious creations.
A gift that simply cannot be taken for granted.
I will look ahead with hope…
Little Man…you are already dearly loved and we will welcome you with open arms on whichever day God decides you should enter our world…
Till next time…
26 Comments
Kim Johnson
Alice, so brave of you to share this. I never suffered with PPD but have dealt with depression before. It’s not an easy thing to talk about and you did it perfectly. I hope you do not have to go through that again but I think you have what it takes to walk through it!
Alice W.
Kim, thank you so much for the encouragement! It is greatly appreciated 🙂
~Alice
Sheila R
Alice, may God continue to bless you and your little family. Hazel and your “little guy” are so blessed that you are their mom. Prayers for you and your little family.
Jessica Ackerman
Alice,
Thank you for sharing your experience with PPD. I am now 15 weeks along with my first little one and sometimes I have thoughts like the ones you mentioned, especially, “You just weren’t meant to be a mother.” and “You will never have a fulfilling life again.” I often think and pray that God would take the baby back…there is just so much fear sometimes.
I know that it is just the enemy trying to rob me of my joy. But those moments are so real and tangible. So hopeless.
But I hold on to the moments that I rejoice about being pregnant. I hold on to the sunshiny moments when I look down at my growing waistline and marvel that there is a little human in there.
We were made for this and all that comes a long with it. Your story of strength certainly gives me strength.
The Beautiful Life
This speaks to and ministers to me and I’m not even in the pregnancy years — honesty and openness will do that. 🙂
And even back when my girl was first born, I remember thinking some of the same things. I distinctly remember sitting in the rocking chair in her nursery, holding her, rocking her, trying to just keep the crying at bay, and thinking “This is where I’m going to spend the next 5 years… I’m never going to leave this room — this house — for years and years. My life is going to be spend keeping a cranky baby pacified and nothing else.” Of course, that wasn’t accurate thinking, but at that moment, my world felt very, very small and bleak.
And like you, I holed up in my house because I felt it was just too challenging to do all it took to get out and about. And as you know, doing that only causes the world to close in on you even further.
I love how you are purposing to use what you’ve learned the first time around, to be prepared ahead of time to recognize and work with the hard times as they may arise.
Mothering is a beautiful thing — but there is absolutely nothing else on earth that requires every ounce of us — body, soul, mind, etc. And all that at times while battling hormones. When you think of that, it gives you leeway to cut yourself a little slack when you kinda just wanna run away sometimes. 🙂
So proud of you, Alice. Who knows, maybe one day in years to come, you will be someone who counsels and reassures other young mothers who feel that they are the only ones on earth who aren’t seeing their new experience as a mom through the beautiful “Florabella Photoshop filter” that they thought it would be.
Always remember — a shared joy is twice the joy, and a shared burden is half the burden. You can always share your joys and your burdens with us. Cuz we love ya. 🙂
Ruth
Allison
This was so beautifully written… with such grace and honesty. So glad you got the help you needed with Hazel and that those dark days are in the past. I pray Christ gives you peace and comfort instead of fear as you wait for your second child. So excited to see photos of he and Hazel together!
Allison
woops – meant to edit before posting that… meant to say ” …gives you peace and comfort to replace your fear…” He doesn’t ‘give fear’ in this sense 😉
Tammy
Alice,
It was so brave and strong of you to share this part of your life. Sharing your journey will pose as strength and hope to other moms going through the same struggles. Be very proud of yourself for all that you have been through and for preparing for your days ahead. I know it is so very hard not to, but try not to worry about what could lie ahead, instead focus on all that you have now and know that you do have the strength to pull through whatever should come your way.
A good quote I love, “Always remember to see the light, even on your darkest days.”
Blessings to you and your family.
(((hugs)))
Tammy
sadie
I hope your little man stays put, and doesn’t come out until later. I can imagine how nervous you must feel, in case his arrival is early too.
Post natal depression is an evil thing. It rears its ugly head at a time when you should feel happy and actually, need to feel happy. Adjusting to being a mum is like nothing else, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else says, or how prepared you are, it still comes as a total shock. If on top of that depression hits, it can be such an unhappy time. I always felt so lonely. Some days it was just me and my baby, and I did nothing but sit on the sofa and feed her, or try to make her happy, or try to get her to sleep. It can be such an isolating time. Talking to people can help, and it sounds like you have good people around you who helped.
The best thing is about the dark days is that they come to an end eventually. Then the light that shines is brighter than no other!
Good luck with your latest bundle. Thinking of you and sending good and happy vibes.
x
Chani
I can SO relate. I know those moments – after having a baby, but also before. You feel you are supposed to be the happiest on earth. And you have to show this your kids too, you can’t just let go. I wish people would understand better too and show some support, unfortunately this is not the case. Thank you for sharing your experiences – it’s good you got help and you can slowly appreciate spending time with your daughter. My son is soon going to kindergarden and I will see him much less then. Finally, the 3 years were so short. I sometimes feared they would never end, that I will be at home with an extremely demanding and often cranky toddler forever. It’s so very difficult to be mother at home who cares for little children 24/24…
And yes, it’s really like that: Every baby, every birth and experiences are different. I hope it will be better for you with the second one (as it has been for me). Take care <3
CeCe
I will just say Thank You…
Thank you for your honesty…
Thank you for letting the world know there is beauty and joy and there is uggliness and darkness in this world in which we live…
Thank you for sharing the gift of hope and recovery..
Thank you for your blessing of YOU!
Andrea Baumhardt
Fear not, Alice, the Lord is with you. Fear not. Fear not. You will make it through this. Today is the day the Lord has made… let us rejoice and be glad.
natalea
Oh how I understand you…”never having a fulfilling life again”…”wanting my old life back”….I lived that in the darkest way. Thank you for your honesty- it’s important to me even almost-7-years later to hear this because I never felt understood regarding my PPD. I wish you many blessings and an easier time this round. Best to you, xo
Debbie R.
Alice, you put me in tears. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and know that we all feel some of those same things. We are so happy for you and hope for smooth sailing ahead. I’ll keep watching for the announcement in about 10 more weeks 😉
Sandi
So well written and beautifully said Alice. Prayers for you!!
hugs~
Chatelaine
I pray that you do not have to go through all the darkness again but if you do you know you will handle it beautifully.
Hazel is adorable and it will be nice to have them close in age. They should become best friends.
Your post was so eloquently written and tugged at my heartstrings even though I have never been a mom (except to my cats). I wish you well and I hope this baby arrives on time, happy and healthy.
Tina
I love reading your beautiful words Alice! I always want to keep reading the next chapter. You write beautifully. You show so much courage and strength sharing you personal struggles and best days with us. I for one am thankful:) You make me smile, laugh and cry usually all at the same time. I always want to give you a big hug after I read your posts:)
Thanks you for sharing the moments in your life.
Laura @ 52 FLEA
We appreciate your candor and willingness to share and know that it is helpful to many others. Please know that you are being lifted up and prayed for by many in our community. Hazel and her little brother are lucky to have such loving parents as you and Joshua. Hold onto your faith and trust that it will be according to God’s plan. Beautiful, joyful days are coming your way!
Cheryl ~ Casual Cottage Chic
Alice, your post brought tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat and an ache in my heart for you. By sharing your experience, I know you are helping others. Thank you for being so candid and open. God is watching over you and your loving family 🙂
Julie Williams
Dearest Alice, thanks for sharing your private thoughts with us. I think you are much wiser this time and aware of what you suffer post delivery. There is help, so please seek it out so you don;t have to suffer like you did with Hazel. My thoughts are with you during such a special time in your life. I look forward to reading your blog and hope you are able to post at some point after delivery. Thanks for sharing!!!
Becca
God is with you.Have faith and put your trust on Him that everything
is under His control. Bless you always.
Chelsea Leis
Congratulations in having your second baby. I hope this time everything will be alright. Just be strong, and do not worry about negative things that might happen because it will only give you depression. You are brave because you’ve gone through all those circumstances, and I’m pretty sure this time you will be as brave as you are before. Just follow all the things that your doctor will tell you.
Emily
As I sit here searching Pinterest for ideas for the nursery for my little one on the way, I am astonished to have found your beautiful blog at just the right time. I have been worrying and thinking about the possibility that I too will face PPD. Thank you for your candid account and for your helpful notes on how you overcame the darkness. I think it is important for women to stick together. Motherhood is hard… less judgment and more understanding is needed when it comes to all aspects of raising a child, from the decision of whether or not to breast feed to whether to go back to work, we are all just doing our best for our little loves. Best of luck to you and your little baby. I hope you get the full 40 weeks in this time around!
Leah C
A beautifully written post…so raw and tender. Dear Alice, it is clear to me that you are strong. You are brave. And you are enough. God bless your pregnancy and God Bless your sweet family.
liz
alice…god never gives us more than we can handle…i had 3 preemies and all but one have flown…those years of struggle and mixed emotions are gone like a blink of the eye…and now there are new challenges….enjoy every moment you have…get help do whatever you have to…because those precious little gifts come into our lives and in a heartbeat they grow up…so sit back and enjoy the ride…it is hard and scarey but breathtaking all the same…
Erin
Dear Alice,
I came across your touching words while skipping about the internet for pinterest discoveries. I slowed down & read your words. I wanted to write you to let you know how incredibly brave you are for sharing such intimate thoughts & raw emotions. I have battled anxiety for most my life & depression seemed to creep up in my 20’s … about the time many of my friends moved away to other colleges & life sort of landed in my lap…as it tends to do.
I hope you & your family are doing well. Everyone (including yourself) should be SO incredibly proud of not only asking for help but sharing with other – here on your blog – so that others can find hope in your words & struggles. Thank you & many healing hugs to your heart
e.